Doctor Jersey Jellgood

Doctor Jersey Jellgood, FRS, FRSL (born 21 March 1942) is an English physicist, poet, entrepreneur and experimental evolutionary biologist. Up until it closed, he was an emeritus fellow of the Leicester high street branch of Dixons (with close ties to much of the management team of the firm’s headquarters in Hemel Hempstead.) Inconceivably, Jellgood won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry aged just 21 for work on gold, work which was pivotal in the creation of high street “cash for gold” shops. A Rhodes Scholar, and self-taught geologist, Jellgood made much of his small personal fortune through running science startups funded by offshore private investors. A tireless networker, and relentless good ideas catalyst, Jellgood invented the term “hotdesking”.

In the 60s and through sheer luck, Jellgood bought a portfolio of patents relating to hosiery engineering, which he later sold for a tidy profit. This signalled the beginning of a string of canny investments which led Time magazine to dub Jersey as having “the Midas touch”.

His 1973 book Minding What’s Inside explored the previously ignored comparisons that could be drawn between the ratio of the length of a femur vs a person’s height, and the ratio of shredded wheat which shed much of their structure during transit (26%).

From the 70s onwards Jellgood embarked on what would be called his “World tour of the human condition”, a succession of scientific based enterprises aimed at bending the boundaries of morals in the pursuit of a company that could be run like a perpetual motion machine, seamlessly, continuously and most importantly, effortlessly. The I Am Science series is a record of many of the projects that Jellgood pursued during this period.

Today, Jellgood is close to death.

Rodney Borgnine

Rodney Mario Borgnine is an English print and broadcast journalist with a distinguished fifty year career in the media.  His current affairs radio programmes, including Force the Fox, have won many national broadcasting awards.  He is also known for presenting a short-lived psychoanalytical role-play TV series called Doctor Flop and the Fallopian Sisters, which ran for only three episodes but later became a cult phenomenon.

Borgnine was the first boy in his year to grow pubic hair and, as a consequence, quickly developed a superiority complex.  While this confidence predisposed him to compromising exhibitionism during interviews, it also prepared him well for the competitive world of broadcast journalism, and put him at the front of the queue to interview his most famous subject, Dr Jersey Jellgood.

Borgnine’s interviews with Dr Jellgood remain his towering achievement.  The interviews span nearly five decades and four continents, charting the many, magnificent and occasionally monstrous transformations of the Nobel Prize winning chemist, from humble professor to governmental advisor and space commander.

Born only three days apart, Borgnine became obsessed with Jellgood, returning to interview him time and again, undeterred by the scientist’s worsening reputation and criminal convictions, eventually writing his biography, “The Many Beaks of a New Jesus”.

Blessed with a peculiar journalist’s sixth sense, Borgnine was also present at many of the most newsworthy and influential events of the past half decade.  It was Borgnine interviewing Bill Clinton when the former US President spontaneously combusted as he attempted to demonstrate how he could shuffle a deck of cards with his saxophone.

However, Borgnine has occasionally been criticised for an intimidating interviewing style, based not on aggression but on unsettling his interviewees with bizarre behaviour.  As a PhD student, Borgnine invented a four point plan of spooking his interlocutors:

  1. Kissy lips;
  2. Jackdaw shadow hand puppet;
  3. Stare at subject’s knees for whole interview
  4. Always open questioning with “What has happened to your eyebrows?”

Borgnine also kept posters with brightly coloured words around the studio at the radio station, including “Failure”, “Live Burial”, and “Random Attack”.

In later years, as Dr Jellgood became more and more reclusive and unwilling to talk to his chronicler, Borgnine turned to drink, investing in failed business enterprises, and was caught on camera in Paris abusing a blind man, making obscene hand gestures at him and screaming that brail was easy and that he could read it wearing boxing gloves.

Today, Borgnine is also close to death.